You're Only As Old As You Feel
by CherryWolf-chan
Summary: My poor wife just joined the family less than a month ago. I'll be lucky if I'm not being served divorce papers by the end of the week. And you realize Rita Skeeter is going to have a news-gasm when she finds out right?


**AN: Still can't bring mysef to finish my long-shot. FML. I'm gunna be Neville for a second: Why is it always me? Hope this makes you laugh; it sure cracked me and Wolf Blossom (who is in fact still alive…she just got married recently so she's a bit busy) up.**

 **Words: 2062**

 **Pages: 5**

Ron could do nothing but shake his head at the pair before him.

Sitting on a bench in the Auror Department, held down my magical shackles, were Draco and Hermione Malfoy. The former looked smug, yet uncomfortable, while the latter looked like she'd thrown back a whole box of Bertie Bot's Every Flavour Beans.

Ron ran a hand through his hair. "I can't bloody well believe you two thought it would be a good idea to have a quickie in the back booth at Florean Fortescue's."

Draco scowled. " _I_ can't bloody well believe that after giving Granger _six_ orgasms, she didn't even have the decency to tell you to wait a few more minutes before apprehending us! Do you have any _idea_ what blue balls feels like Weasley?!"

Ron's eye twitched, as Hermione wacked Draco upside the head. "Really Malfoy, this is all your fault! I _told_ you it was a bad idea, and that we would get caught!"

"Well _I'm_ not the one who went on an ice cream date with her husband, _sans_ _knickers_."

"Shut up, Malfoy! That was for when we got home!"

"You shut up Granger! I don't' recall hearing a single 'no' out of your pert little mouth. In fact I recall you doing nothing but mouthing 'yes' while under the Silencing-"

Ron finally lost it. "WILL BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP?!"

They both shut their mouths and settled for scowling at each other.

Ron sat down at his desk, rubbing his eyes. "I'm too bloody old for this! My own children are grown and married and I'm being relegated to babysitter. Not for my grandchildren, oh no, that would be too easy. I'm bloody baby sitter to a pair of people whose children married before mine, and who, unlike me, have the distinction of being called granparents!"

Speaking of the Malfoy children, all five of them appeared at the door, fairly out of breath, and the two married ones toting their wives.

It was Scorpius who caught his breath first. "What happened?! Were people causing discord about dad being a Death Eater again?"

Ron snorted. "I only wish! No, get this. Your parents were caught fornicating in the back booth of Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour."

Hermione piped up. "Actually, it's only considered fornication if you're not married."

Ron scowled. Turning to the horrified group of adults, he corrected himself. "Fine. Your parents were arrested for _shagging_ in the back booth at Fortescue's. I called you guys because I couldn't' reach Lucius or Narcissa, and they can't post their own bail."

The group turned to glare at the parents in disgust.

Scorpius started off the tirade. "What the bloody hell is wrong with you two?! You have married children, as well as grandchildren; have some shame, at least! Can't you keep it in your pants until you get to your bedroom like normal people? This is going to be all over the Daily Prophet How am I supposed be taken seriously by my students, when my parents will be in the paper for shagging in public?!"

Septimus pitched in his two cents. "Really, I'm wondering if we shouldn't leave you here for a few days to think about what you've done. Could you two _be_ any more embarrassing? My poor wife just joined the family less than a month ago. I'll be lucky if I'm not being served divorce papers by the end of the week. And you realize Rita Skeeter is going to have a news-gasm when she finds out right? Oh Merlin; what if the kids find out?!"

Scorpius suddenly got a look of danwing. "What if…it ends up in Hogwarts: A History?!"

The boys shared a look of horror.

The triplets smirked at each other before turning to their parents.

Elysia started the tirade. "Now mum and dad, I know you're legal, consenting adults, but that doesn't mean you should just throw your bodies away anywhere. You should learn to respect yourselves and your minds before you just go and blindly sleep with some slag who'll treat you like nothing but a notch in their broom. That just isn't healthy for a growing adult to deal with."

Imperátória continued the tirade. "I understand that at your age, your bodies are going through changes, and you may find these changes confusing at times. But that is no reason to act upon any impulsive urges you get. You must behave like proper Malfoys and keep chaste and dignified at all times. Your breeding demands that you not stoop to the level of common Muggles and jump on the first bloke who shows interest."

Ascelina ended the tirade. "Well the last part of your sex speech ous was about how our first times should be special…but that ship has long since sailed, hit an iceberg, sank, been rebuilt, hit another iceberg, and sank again. So I'll just say this. You two are bloody gross, and much too horny for your age. Can't you go to St. Mungo's and get that…fixed?"

Septimus butted in. "Or at least get dad fixed! How humiliating would it be to have surprise sibling pop up? The kid would be younger than its oldest niblings! And its oldest siblings would be twenty-six years its senior! Imagine the trauma it, and we would go through!"

Imperátória rolled her eyes. "Get real Sep; it? They went from you two, to us three…anything after us would be bound to hit four!"

They all finally fell silent to see Ron had left for coffee, and their parents were staring at their feet, sufficiently chastised.

Hermione and Draco looked up at each other, and then to their children.

It was Hermione who spoke. "Would this be a bad time to tell you we were doing…what we were doing, because we were celebrating my surprise pregnancy?"

Scorpius facepalmed, and started to leave the room, only to run into Ron. "Oye! Where are you going? Nobody's posted bail yet."

He shrugged off his parents' friend. "The others can do it. I'm going to go floo St. Mungo's for an appointment. If father won't get himself fixed, then I'm going to have to do it for him."

Ron turned incredulous eyes on his friends. "You're pregnant, _again_? Bloody hell you two; are you trying to build your own Quidditch team?"

Hermione scowled, and crossed her arms. "Not everything is about Quidditch Ronald."

Meanwhile, Scorpius' wife, Lily, turned to Septimus' wife Rose. "Is Septimus anywhere near as exciting as his parents?"

Rose snorted. "Please, that man has nothing on his dad. Sep's idea of an adventure is playing with my tits in the usual missionary position. He about fainted when I first started fingering myself to help things along. And once, I suggested we try doggy, and he looked like I'd told him I wanted to have a go at his Grandfather. He's about as vanilla as it gets. How about Scorpius?"

Lily rolled her eyes. "Oh please. I once left the house without knickers when we were going to dinner, thinking it would excite him when he found out. Well I told him, and he got up, and left me in the restaurant alone, to run to Madame Malkin's down the street and buy me a pair. He then insisted I take the bag and go into the loo and put them on before we continued our date."

They hadn't noticed the lull in the room as they began talking, and Scorpius had come back just in time to hear his and his brother's grievances and lay down a defence. "Would you two rather we behave like father, and attack you like randy monkeys at every opportunity?"

The girls glanced at each other, replying in tandem. "Frankly, yes."

Septimus scowled. "What the hell is wrong with how we do it?!"

Ron smacked his head on the table. _Why me?_

Rose shrugged. "There's nothing wrong per se. But we have discussed it, and come to the conclusion that we want to wear that ridiculous look of sated bliss your mum is always walking around with. We believe it would benefit everyone involved if you two sat down with Draco, and had him give you some pointers."

Ron groaned out loud. "Rose, love do I have to listen to this right now? Isn't it enough that I let you marry a Malfoy? Can't you continue this at home?"

Elysia nodded. "He has a point. It's nearing ten at night and we really should be leaving so Ron can go home."

After getting all the paperwork out of the way, the group turned to leave. The girls, being younger, were more resilient, and bounced back from their trauma fairly fast. They had finally come around to the idea of a new sibling, and excitedly chatted to Hermione about nursery themes.

The younger Malfoy men were silent and scowling. And their father had a residual smirk of triumph on his face. He had requests to teach a couple of twenty-something's how to please a woman properly. Yeah. He still had it! And they called him too old for sex. Clearly they were wrong. In all his years since the first time with Pansy after the Yule Ball, he had never had a single woman leave with a complaint.

 _Lesson number one. The G-spot, is not a myth._

Septimus turned to his brother. "We should tell grandma and grandpa. That should set these two straight as to what a proper Malfoy does. You never see them behaving like randy seventh years."

Just as they were reaching for the doorknob, the door was flung open by a disgruntled Harry Potter. "Hang on you lot, you can't leave yet. We have more business with you."

Ron frowned. "Harry, weren't you set to leave by now?"

Harry scowled. "I was. I was just handing in my time sheet, when imagine my surprise at hearing splashing and moaning coming from the _empty_ fountain in the lobby downstairs. Upon lifting the invisibility charm from the area, I came upon…this. He gave a tug to the chain in his hand and in stumbled a shirtless Lucius, and a bra and knickers-clad Narcissa."

Ron could only stare in disbelief. "Seriously?! And where the hell are her clothes?"

Harry gave an unimpressed snort. "Apparently Lucius stayed until everyone was thought to have left, and Narcissa waltzed in like _this_ , already under an invisibility potion, just for the excitement."

Draco scowled at his parents. "Father how many times have I told you to start behaving like an adult?! Can't you keep it in your pants? You two are much too old to be carrying on in this manner! It is most unbecoming of a set of Malfoy great-grandparents!"

Scorpius scowled at his father. "Wow dad, way to lecture grandfather! You realize of course that you yourself are too old to be behaving like this?!"

Draco smirked. "This old man got his witch pregnant with _at least_ his sixth child. When you can beat that, then we'll talk about how old I'm getting. In the meanwhile, father you have ONE child, at least six grandchildren, and two great-grandchildren. It's high time you retired from… _this_."

Narcissa, finally got fed up with the argument. "In case no one has noticed, I am still in my underwear, and I would love it if _someone_ could post out bail so I can go home and finish Lucius off. He gets rather snarly when he doesn't reach completion."

Draco, Scorpius, and Septimus were scandalized.

" _ **Mother!**_ "

" _ **Grandmother!**_ "

Hermione shared a naughty smirk with her daughters.

All four women started talking at once.

Elysia: "Now grandmother, I know you're legal, consenting adults, but that doesn't mean you should just throw your body away anywhere..."

Imperátória: "I understand that at your age, your bodies are going through changes, and you may find these changes confusing at times…"

Ascelina: "You two are bloody gross, and much too horny for your age. Can't you go to St. Mungo's and get that…fixed…?"

In the end, no one got fixed.

After all, whether they were actively doing it or not, it was a matter of Malfoy pride to at least be capable of siring children.

And I know everyone is wondering.

Yes. Lily and Rose did in fact manage to wrangle their husbands into lessons with their father and grandfather.

And lesson number one was a _spectacular_ hit.

 **AN: Only took me like an hour. Please review if you enjoyed!**


End file.
